No More Wrinkles

Now, here’s a memory. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes I get an idea that is so brilliant, so awe inspiring that I even amaze myself. One idea was so off-the-wall brilliant that Deed bought into it right away. No questions asked.  

Having a go at the Olympic bobsled run was such an idea. We live about 6 hours from Lake Placid, New York and I discovered that the run was open to any brave and courageous person blessed with nerves of steel. I felt that I checked all the right boxes, so it was just a matter of packing for an Olympic experience. 

About halfway to Lake Placid Deed needed to reaffirm that we were on our way to watch Olympic bobsledders practice. 

“Oh, no.” I hummed, “We’re going down the run.” 

“We’re what!”  

“Yep, we’re going down the run --- it will be awesome.” 

“Stop the car!” 

Sometimes when people yell it’s difficult to discern the nature and the purpose of the yell. After all, it could be celebratory, joy, or, on the other hand, even perhaps demonstrating some level of concern or anxiety …. 

“Stop the damn car!” 

On a side note it seems strange to see, written in print, three exclamation points coming on one after another --- but I digress. 

Where were we? Oh yes, Deed had just suggested that I pull off the highway and bring the car to a full halt. 

Always obliging, I slowly pulled off at a safe layby and waited for further instructions. 

Perhaps you should know this about the love-of-my-life. Deed has opinions. Deed, also, can be very vocal. And seldom is there any confusion about what her beliefs are on the topic at hand. When she makes a statement, particularly a statement to correct a falsely held assumption of mine, all ambiguity has been purged. 

“But I thought you wanted to go?” 

“Yes --- to see the practice runs! You said the Germans, and somebody, else were practicing. I thought that we were going to see them make practice runs.” 

“Oh,” I cheerfully responded naively seeing a way to correct the problem.  “The Germans are there as are the Dutch, but they finished Tuesday and now the run is open to the public. We’re the public.” I started the car. 

“Wait!” 

The next few minutes I’m going to omit in case any children are reading over your shoulder and will pick up the thread of this adventure outside a lovely sports store in Lake Placid. 

The store was the kind of store you would expect to find in a town known for hosting the Olympics. It was filled with high-end boots and jackets and everything else needed for playing in the snow. It also sold tickets for the bobsled run. Surprise, surprise. While Dee was busy trying on sweaters I, surreptitiously, purchased 2 tickets for the bobsled run. 

Now, let’s take a good long look at a 4-man bobsled. Take your time. I’m in no hurry so take your time. Have you noticed the angle of the bobsled? Do you think there is enough room for an old man in that bobsled? And how do you see that old man getting into the bobsled? How about getting out? 

It may help you to better understand the situation if you can visualize 4 adults communally seated together in a smallish bathtub --- with helmets and goggles. 

And now we need to focus on the angle of the bobsled.  

Yes, I agree. It’s a most interesting angle --- one might go so far as to call it an intriguing angle. 

But with all due respect to your imaginative talents, to fully appreciate the angle of the bobsled, I believe it’s one of those situations where doing not seeing is believing. 

Now for the experience. 

We parked our car at the base of the run and were taken to the top in an ATV. At the top I could tell Deed’s concern suddenly made a quantum leap to full panic, but I also knew with a number of college age kids also getting ready to make the run Deed would suppress any looks of panic and strike a pose of confidence. 

Coming out of the starter’s shed we saw two men that reset Deed’s confidence level back to zero. They introduced themselves as our driver and the brakeman forever after known to us as Sasquatch I and Sasquatch II. 

Young people today are conditioned not to judge other people. Good for them. I on the other hand call a spade a spade. Both Sasquatch I and II were tattooed from ear to ear and pierced with pins and needles --- again from ear to ear and every place in between. If they were ever hit by lightning they would light up Lake Placid for weeks. 

They looked at us and smiled. Number I settled into the bobsled and Sasquatch II all but picked me up and sandwiched me behind Metal-face and in a moment Deed was squashed in behind me. Before II got in he leaned down toward us and said, “What ever you do don’t lean your head out or it will get cut off by the ice. Look straight ahead.” 

He smiled and got in behind Deed. 

From the corner of my eye I realized that a group of men were enthusiastically pushing the bobsled down the run. 

Final assessment. For the first 5-6 seconds I thought it was a joke. We seemed to be going about 5 miles an hour and that the experience would be a big nothing. By the 7th second I was riding a bullet. 

I have no understanding of “G-force”, but I was suddenly aware that all my wrinkles were gone and my face was the face of a toddler and not that of an old 82-year-old man. 

Just as suddenly the bobsled was thrown wildly sideways up a shear wall of ice and just as suddenly thrown, again wildly, to the opposite wall of ice and so on and so on. 

How did we ride sideways? How did we ride like the those in the above picture? Why are you asking me? 

My theory, and it’s only a theory, is that it has something to do with the way Silly Putty works. 

All the way down the run from behind I heard a faint, but persistent prayer, “Oh God let it be over. Oh God let it be over.”  

At the bottom of the run Sasquatch II kept repeating over and over, “You can get out now. You can get out now.”